


The Ghost Outside the Window

by Lesbian_Writings



Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half-Life but the AI are Self Aware
Genre: Blood and Gore, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Gore, Mutual Pining, Post-Game, Slow Burn, gordon is a tired dad, skeleton benrey, what was that skeleton thing about? idk but im about to make it something
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesbian_Writings/pseuds/Lesbian_Writings
Summary: The battle was over. Benrey was dead. The science team had won. They got out of Black Mesa and had a party at Chuck E Cheese's for Tommy's birthday. But then why did the victory make Gordon feel so hollow?---A fic in which I explore post-game and the trauma endured from all the shit that happened at Black Mesa. Also Benrey redemption. Hope you enjoy it. :)
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Darnold/Forzen (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta/Darnold, Tommy Coolatta/Darnold/Forzen, Tommy Coolatta/Forzen
Comments: 44
Kudos: 405





	1. Home Sweet Home

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first HLVRAI fic! Its become my new hyper fixation and I love Gordon so much but I'm also gonna hurt him. Also, there was no beta we die like men and I hope you enjoy!

The battle was over. Benrey was dead. The science team had won. They got out of Black Mesa and had a party at Chuck E Cheese's for Tommy's birthday. But then why did the victory make Gordon feel so hollow? This was a question he pondered as he made his way back home in the taxi that G-man had provided. Couldn't quote "Have you walking around outside looking like a murder scene."

As the taxi stopped in his apartment parking lot he gave the driver a thanks and offered to pay but was told by the driver to not bother. Then he realized he didn't have his wallet so it's not like he could pay anyway. He trudged into his apartment and was met with... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was an empty apartment that hadn't been used in… Fuck how long had it been? When did he enter Black Mesa? What day is it now? Is his son okay? Those thoughts and similar ones spun around Gordon's mind as he leaned against his door and went to tie up his hair before he remembered that he was missing a few things. Like a hand, the ponytail holder that was on that hand, and clean hair. Which wasn’t necessary for a ponytail but for a god rest it absolutely is. As his previous thoughts we're dismissed they were replaced by one in particular. That he felt so gross. Gordon decided he could get his bearings after a shower when he was clean and in the right headspace to do so. 

As the hot water poured over him he continued to think, and think, and think, and think. And then think some more. The main thing that was going through his head currently was "I wonder what this means for Benrey… And the rest of the science team." He quietly spoke to himself, noticing how hoarse his voice was. Maneuvering through a shower was difficult without his dominant hand but he made it work. When he came out of the shower he felt cleaner than he had since he went into Black Mesa. He should probably stop thinking about that place. Not sure what that will do to his brain. He catches a glimpse of himself in the foggy mirror and ends up staring. He almost didn’t recognize himself. His stubble had grown into a short beard which seemed a bit more grey than before. His grey hairs that he already had before seemed more apparent after everything that happened. He looked so tired and beaten. The bags under his eyes, seeming to have a weight of their own and the bruises and scratches he had collected during his time down there. Not to mention his most obvious injury. G-man said he’d get a proper prosthetic and hush money sometime soon. 

Then a noise distracts him from his staring and he jumps, holding out his right stump like he’s ready to shoot. He realizes that nothing would be in his apartment and he suddenly feels such a deep tiredness that hits his very soul. He slips on the ratty old shirt and sweatpants that he grabbed before his shower, purposefully avoiding looking at the H.E.V. suit that sat limply on his bathroom floor and the shirt and pants that had been under it in the small bathroom trashcan.

Slowly Gordon made his way to his bedroom but kept seeing things out of the corner of his eye. Or at least he thought he did. As he face-planted onto his bed and laid that way for a bit. He almost fell asleep, until he felt like he was being stared at. He quickly looked up and over at the window in his bedroom and caught something moving out of the way. God, he hoped it was just a squirrel. Actually, he was gonna believe it was a squirrel. And that his life was completely normal and nothing weird happened while he was at work. Nothing at all weird happened. Nothing. He pulled his phone from his sweatpants pocket and checked it for the first time since he went to work. Did he go in on a Wednesday? Thursday? Sometime around then, and it was Tuesday now as the date on his lock screen told him.

Luckily, Gordon had his sister take care of Joshua while he was at work and the alien thing seemed to be contained in Black Mesa. For now at least. He hadn’t gotten many texts from her other than the occasional picture and telling him that she was now Joshua’s “Cool Aunt”. Like Josh had any others. He knew he’d be away for a while and trusted his sister and her girlfriend to take care of Josh. He smiled as he looked at the pictures and quietly saved them to his phone. He texted his sister and asked some basic check-up questions and apologized for being gone for so long. He then plugged his phone in and set it down on the nightstand and passed out.

From the window a figure watched. This figure wasn’t threatening, no. He didn’t mean any harm. He just didn’t know how to explain the situation. And he couldn’t let Gordon see him. Not yet at least. Benrey wasn’t really tied to the plane of existence anymore. But at the same time, he was. Benrey was dead yes. But the skeleton still existed. And that’s how he appeared currently. And it didn’t help that he was still tied to Feetman. He didn’t want to be! This sucked! Being a skeleton and staring at the man you hate with a burning passion while he slept peacefully and looked so soft and content while resting. Anybody would hate that! Plus he snores! Not at all an endearing trait! Gross Feetman and his bad breathing. But he continued to watch. Hopefully, when Gordon woke up he wouldn’t see him or ask any questions. Because Benrey definitely didn’t have answers. Nor would he bother to come up with any. Because only lame scientists like Feetman cared about reasoning and why things were happening. Boring. He just wanted to play ps3 why’d he have to get dragged into this?


	2. What's that in the window?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got really excited and wanted to write chapter 2 so here we are!!! TW: GORE ***skip from “But that didn’t last for long.” to “He breathed shakily, mind going blank, not sure if he even could process what was going on.” if that's an issue for you***, will vaguely describe at the end

Gordon was back in Black Mesa, covered in alien guts and blood that mostly wasn’t his own, and all on his own. He was alone in the hellhole that was Black Mesa. But for some reason, it didn’t feel like Black Mesa. He walked through the maze of halls on his own, seeming to end up going in a circle. At least he thought he was but nothing was right about this place. Where was he? Where were his friends? Why did the walls make noise? Why did the floor seem to breathe and why did everything feel wrong?

He never did get an answer as the floor swallowed him whole and he fell into a technicolor hellscape, just as bad as the first place. But now it was all too bright and too much and he couldn’t tell where the floor was but it didn’t seem to matter as he just floated. He shut his eyes and squeezed them tight to stop having to stare at the bright and ever-moving eyesore around him.

Out of nowhere, he got all the air knocked out of him as something practically tackled him. When he opened his eyes to see what had just happened there was nothing. Nothing and no one. He was on solid ground now, but there was nothing as far as the eye could see. But that tackle, shove, throw, whatever it was felt so real. But as he stood in the eternal darkness all alone with no noise or anything he felt so tired. But that didn’t last for long. 

Suddenly he was being held up by his stump on a meat hook. Like a piece of quality meat in the back of a butcher’s shop. The hook holding him high up above whatever ground there was by his stump, the hook was bloodied from previous things like him, left to dangle and squirm like a worm on a fishing hook. He screamed and tried to get his arm off, but that made his arm feel like it was being ripped apart. He tried to pull it off but it wouldn’t budge. The image of his arm bleeding around the hook he was put on by whatever was doing this to him would be one that stuck with him. He looked around and saw what he thought looked like a person and yelled out from help but got nothing. Gordon wiggled and managed to get himself off the hook but not without an incredibly sharp pain in his stump his arm that looked like it had been perfectly cut in half by scissors into two limp pieces down the middle where the hook had been. He could see all the muscle, tendons, and the remaining bone in his arm. Not to mention the blood that was pouring from it. It was a miracle he still had any blood left. He breathed shakily, mind going blank, not sure if he even could process what was going on.

Gordon’s eyes shot open as he sat up. He looked at his arm and saw that it was the same stump as before. He didn’t even realize he had been hyperventilating until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Gordon tried to breathe deeply which didn’t work at first but did he get it under control eventually. He took a moment to just sit in his bed in the darkness of his room and tell himself it was all a nightmare. He checked his phone once he had sufficiently calmed down enough and talked with his sister a bit about keeping Joshua a little longer. Gordon had to be strong for his son. Josh was still young, and he couldn’t see his dad like this. Luckily his sister “absolutely adores little Joshy” and “will spoil him since Gordon doesn’t usually”. Gordon doesn’t doubt that but it weird to hear the same girl who called him an “absolute rat of a man. Just a whole ass rat.” His whole childhood also coo over his son. But at least some things stay the same. 

He smiled softly to himself at the picture of Joshua and his sister that his sister’s girlfriend had sent. Josh looked so happy. That was all that really mattered. It was calm in the apartment for a moment then he felt like he was being watched again. He looked over at his window like had had last night and saw a skeleton. Not just a skeleton. The skeleton. The one from Black Mesa. When the skeleton noticed him staring it ducked down out of sight. Gordon continued to stare at the spot the skeleton was for a while before it poked it’s head back up and saw Gordon then went back down. Gordon figured this might as well happen and got up to open his window and saw the skeleton just standing beside it now. The two stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time before Gordon spoke up. 

“Okay so this is fucking weird and I might just be hallucinating from everything I went through.” The skeleton, unfortunately, couldn’t speak and didn’t know how to respond. It made a shrugging motion with its shoulders. Gordon sighed and watched it carefully. “Benrey...?” He had no clue if it actually was Benrey but the one time he heard it speak it asked about a passport and had Benrey’s voice so using the scientific notion- it’s probably Benrey. 

The skeleton nodded and its face remained unmoving with no expression because you know, it’s bone and bone doesn’t move. Gordon groaned and dragged his hand over his face before he paused. “Wait I live on the third floor how did you get up here? Actually, you know what? I’ll worry about that later. For all, I know you’re a trauma specter or something. Do you wanna come in?” The skeleton nodded again as Gordon helped it through the window. Which was actually somewhat difficult with one hand. Once inside the skeleton looked around like it hadn’t been watching the entire time Gordon was asleep and before that.

Gordon didn’t really know what to do in this situation. He had touched it as he helped the skeleton in so that meant it had to be real right? He hadn’t ever had hallucinations before but he did just go through hell and back so who knows maybe that was about to change? While stuck in his thoughts the skeleton tugged on his shirt to try and get his attention. But suddenly went blank and shook its head instead. Gordon sighed and pulled his hair out of its ponytail to run his hand through and shake it out a bit before he started pacing. The skeleton watched him closely, hollow eye sockets following his every movement. 

“Okay so you’re Benrey and I’m assuming you’re real right? But the science team killed you. So it doesn’t make sense how you’re alive. You should be dead.” Gordon spoke, just in general as he paced. The skeleton shrugged and continued to watch. “Can you talk? Can you still do Black Mesa Sweet Voice?” The skeleton shook his head for the first question and tried to use Sweet Voice but nothing came so it turned out that he was shaking his head no for both questions. Gordon nodded slowly. “That makes communication hard and the rest of this way harder…” He mumbled as he paced before he stopped, freezing for a second. He quickly shook it off and continued to think.

Benrey watched Gordon carefully. Gordon must be tired because he wasn’t trying to kill him. While Gordon was doing… Whatever he was doing. Benrey decided to look around. Gordon’s apartment was very minimalistic. Or better known as, boring as hell. There was nothing on the walls, his sheets were black with some orange design, he had the bare essentials of a bedroom in here. Not at all like Benrey’s amazing and cool apartment which had a bunch of stuff everywhere with lots of things to look at. Posters on the wall, clothes on the floor that he never bothered to clean up and always told himself tomorrow, cheap figurines on a shelf and in various parts of the apartment. None of that was here. Where’s the flavor in here? 

When Benrey realized he had been zoning out and came back Gordon was staring at him. He was about to say his usual “Huh?” But he couldn’t speak so he tilted his head a little, hoping Gordon would catch his drift.

And catch it he did. Gordon groaned and repeated himself. “Have you been listening to anything I say? Did you ever listen? Don’t answer that. What I was saying is, you’re dead right?” Benrey nodded. “Okay and obviously you’re a skeleton. Is something keeping you here? Are you like a ghost?”

Now that’s a tricky question. Cause yeah Gordon’s keeping him here. But how would he tell him that? What would be the implications of that? Won’t someone please god think of the implications?! Okay, whatever. But he’s mostly worried about how Gordon would take that. Benrey knows Gordon doesn’t like him. That was obvious from the start. So he probably wouldn’t be pleased if he knew that he was keeping Benrey here. But he’d probably hate it more if he thought Benrey was just staring in at him like a creep of his own will. There is no winning here. So he does what he does best. Pretends he doesn’t know.

Gordon’s obviously still waiting for an answer as he stares at the skeleton. The skeleton shrugs, which makes Gordon groan. But he doesn’t seem angry so fight averted. “I’m gonna tell the rest of the team. But for now, you can crash on my couch I guess? Do you even need to sleep?” Another shrug from the skeleton. Gordon leads him into the living room but notices the clack on bone on hardwood stop at turns back to see the skeleton- Benrey looking at a door. Benrey looks from the door to Gordon and gives a little head tilt. Gordon takes this as a question and decides to not leave Benrey in the dark. “That’s my son’s room. Joshua. The one you called a bit shit. He’s at my sister’s right now so no you can’t see him and I wouldn’t let you anyway. He’s little you’d probably give him nightmares.” Benrey nods and continues down the small hall to meet up with Gordon. Gordon got Benrey a pillow and a blanket even though neither of them was sure he could sleep. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from “But that didn’t last for long.” to “He breathed shakily, mind going blank, not sure if he even could process what was going on.” Gordon is dreaming and in the dream, he is hung by stump on a meat hook. It's very bloody and when he manages to get himself off the hook it's not a clean process or end result


	3. Gordon. You might be spinning this out of control.

It’s been a week since Gordon got home and Benrey started staying on his couch when Gordon finally decided that he should maybe clean up a little. After all, there was a fine layer of dust when he first got home that he hadn’t bothered to clean. And with the fact that he had been having nightmares every time he went to sleep for the past week he just decided he wouldn’t sleep. Pull all-nighters like he did as a college student. Was that an awful idea for a man with a child and a skeleton on his couch? Absolutely. But he had gotten stuff done so he considered it a win-win. He managed to shave without cutting himself, learned how to use his new hand a bit, bought groceries with the hush money, and planned on buying Joshua a little something too since he’d been gone so long. 

Currently, he was cleaning. Gordon never really minded dusting before as it was just a chore that had to happen occasionally, what can you do? Well, it sucked when everything was covered with dust. What’s up with dust anyway? Things get dirty from not using them? Sounds like a fucking scam to him. He was currently taking a break and attempting to not fall asleep on his feet. He should really take better care of himself especially after Black Mesa. 

He knows it’s what Maria would want but Maria’s been gone a while. About… Fuck it was about five years now huh? Half a decade since his wife had died and six years since his son was born. God that’s sad. He still has his wedding ring. He doesn’t wear it obviously but it’s important to him. 

Gordon and Maria loved each other don’t get it twisted but only really as friends. Both realized around when Joshua was born that neither of them were straight. But they worked together well for the year Joshua and Maria had been alive at the same time.

Oh, how Gordon hates to think about how he might’ve left Joshua alone. So he won’t. But from the kitchen, he can see Benrey staring at him and it sends chills up his spine. Gordon hated how strong his morals were sometimes. He felt responsible for Benrey’s state so he felt responsible to take care of him. 

Gordon’s sister had dropped Joshua off yesterday and he made sure his sister was caught up on as much as he could legally tell her. He also made sure Joshua was doing alright. Benrey was easy enough to play off as a Halloween decoration he found in his closet for the first couple of days Joshua was home. Weird but Josh didn’t mind and his sister only lightly teased him about being a lonely old man even though he wasn’t even thirty. 

But now it’s harder. It’s harder to play Benrey off as a decoration now because well he has one of his eyes back. And one of his hands. He’s slowly piecing himself back together. It’s creepy and he knows he will regret letting him stay when he gets his mouth and the ability to talk and make fun of him back. He sighs to himself and continues cleaning the kitchen. Josh was at school right now so Benrey could stay in the living room but when he got home he had to stay in Gordon’s room. Joshua’s young and frankly the way Benrey looks right now would give anybody nightmares. 

Speaking of Benrey and looking it’s been a couple of minutes and Benrey’s still staring at him. Gordon shakes it off and continues cleaning.

Benrey was watching. Benrey was becoming himself again. At the speed, he had gotten his hand and eye back it was only a matter of time till he was himself again. And when he was… He didn’t know what happened next. But he did know that he almost enjoyed Gordon looking domestic. The Keyword in that sentence is almost by the way. Gordon at home with his son sounded much different from Gordon at Black Mesa with the science team. This was giving him some feelings. Feelings he’d prefer to not have or think about ever again. But when you can’t talk you’re mostly stuck in your head. Which sucks. Being so close to someone and having the opportunity to talk now that things have cooled down but being physically incapable? Awful. Fucking sucks bro. He wants to explain to Gordon but he can’t fucking talk! And Gordon probably wouldn’t want to hear him out. But Gordon wants answers right? Maybe Benrey could tell him and Gordon would keep him around?

Both of the boys' thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. Benrey gets up to answer it but Gordon’s already running out of the kitchen, spray bottle in hand and motioning for Benrey to sit back down so he does, highly confused.

Gordon answers the door and chats with whoever it is briefly before they come right in. Benrey quickly takes note that it’s the rest of the science team. Oh shit Tommy brought Sunkist fuck yeah. 

Coomer quickly but politely asks Gordon if they can talk on their own and head in the kitchen. Benrey watches them a little sadly before someone comments.

“Woah. Benrey you look like you fucked up.” Bubby looks Benrey up and down as Benrey gets ready to respond before he remembers he can’t talk so he just shrugs. 

“Benrey are you okay?” Tommy looks concerned as does Sunkist. Sunkist was always really expressive. Benrey thinks for a moment and nods. 

Dr. Coomer, who was the first and really only person Gordon called when Benrey showed up. The two of them took the opportunity to chat in the kitchen about the situation since Coomer just seemed like the right person.

“So Gordon what’s the situation with Benrey?” Coomer’s calm and grandfatherly demeanor really helped since Gordon had been sleep-deprived and stressed even after leaving Black Mesa which wasn’t supposed to be the case. But every time Gordon tries to sleep he ends up having some god awful nightmare that absolutely tortures him and throws him around like a ragdoll. But that’s not what this is about. Gordon sighs before he explains the situation and all that’s happened since Benrey appeared outside his window.

Coomer nods and takes a moment to think out his response. “Gordon. This is certainly a dilemma. But have you considered that maybe you’re spinning things out of control? We both know what Benrey is like but he hasn’t been actively bugging you has he?” Gordon shook his head as Coomer continued. “Maybe he’s changed. Or wants to change. Plus if he ended up here I’m not sure if it was of his own will. But be patient with him. Make an effort. Also don’t keep yourself cooped up in here. Get outside every once in a while. The sun is actually really nice.” Coomer gently patted Gordon’s shoulder and left Gordon alone in the kitchen with much to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief science team cameo!! but theyll be there next chapter!!! I've gotten a lot of people telling me they like the fic so far and its honestly so exciting!!!


	4. this nightmare thing is becoming a trend isnt it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everybody for your kind and encouraging comments!!! But I do have a TW to add to this chapter!!! There 2 instances of gore in this one!! One is very brief at the beginning and the other is a bit longer and slower towards the end!!! **skip from "Yeah that’s what it looked like." to "Sunkist tried to provide comfort as best they could." at the beginning** and **skip from "...but by the time he did they were way to close." to "... And where he appears next is just outside Black Mesa..." closer to the end** the scenes will be described briefly at the end so you don't miss out!!

With the bombshell that Coomer left Gordon he had to pause and think about it. Before he heard a crash from the living room and some concerned yells. Gordon ran into his living room to find everybody, including Sunkist, crowded around Benrey. Gordon tried to get between everybody so he could see what happened. The first thing he noticed was Benrey on the floor and Sunkist next to him, whining softly. Benrey himself wasn’t making any noise but he didn’t look like he was in great shape. 

Benrey was on the floor, holding his left arm with teeth pressed tightly together. He didn’t have just his eye and left hand as he was now gaining his whole left arm and half of his face. The half wasn’t split down the middle however it looked more the Phantom’s mask from the Phantom of the Opera. Where it goes around the mouth? Yeah that’s what it looked like. Now’s not the time for that however as Benrey was currently regrowing muscles, tendons, and all the things under the skin as well as the skin itself. 

Nobody knew what to do as they watched Benrey tremble and twitch as he regrew parts of himself back. Sunkist tried to provide comfort as best they could. But ultimately the only thing anybody could do was wait this out. 

Eventually, after what felt like ages Benrey stopped trembling and twitching and just laid there for a bit and rubbed his head. Gordon gently helped him up and onto the couch, entirely forgetting that the others were there. Gordon quietly asked Benrey if he was okay and Berney at first nodded then paused and shook his head and put his hand on a spot on his head and looked sad. 

“Did you hit your head?” Gordon asked softly and gently, looking Benrey over to make sure he hadn’t broken something or anything like that. Benrey nodded and looked to the others and shrugged. He didn’t say anything but the air around him changed. And Gordon definitely picked up on it. It confused him until he remembered that the rest of the science team was there. Gordon cleared his throat and stood up. “You’ll be fine. Anyway uhh how have you guys been?”

Bubby was about to say something but Coomer gently nudged him and spoke up instead. “Bubby and I have been doing just fine. It was very nice of you to invite us over. We appreciate it. We really do. But um... If you two need time alone don’t feel bad about kicking us out.” Bubby rolled his eyes and Tommy nodded in agreement as Sunkist nudged Benrey’s leg. 

Gordon’s face flushed a bit as he shook his head. “No guys it’s fine! Really! There’s nothing going on. Nothing at all.” He quickly denied everything that Coomer was implying.

Benrey was not paying attention. The world could be moving on without him and he would never know until he snapped back to reality. Instead was zoning out while absent-mindedly petting Sunkist. Sunkist was always sweet. Just like Gordon was a few seconds ago. Gordon did care about things. Just not Benrey. Gordon cared about Joshua, his sister, Tommy, Sunkist, Bubby, Coomer, and people that weren’t Benrey. And that hurt a little. Not like he’d ever admit it. That’s cringe bro. There’s a lot of things he’d say if it wasn’t totally the most cringey shit in the world.

It’s later now. The rest of the science team is gone, Josh is home, he and Gordon had already had dinner. Now Gordon was laying in the darkness of his room in his bed with Benrey on a pile of blankets and throw pillows with a blanket over him.

Both were silent as both believed the other to be asleep when in fact both were wide awake. Neither spoke since one couldn’t and one didn’t want to and instead laid in darkness with the light atmosphere of the outside as the only sound. There was a certain air around the two of them that was hard to name. But whatever it was lingered and weighed heavily on both of them. 

Gordon doesn’t know when he fell asleep. Just that at some point he did. His overthinking did help him stay awake for most of the night but at some point his brain just got too tired for his own shenanigans. 

Gordon was no longer in his room or his comfortable bed. Instead, he was on Xen in front of Benrey and alongside the science team. He had his gun arm again and Benrey was monologuing. But not about Heavenly sword. Gordon couldn’t pick out what he was saying at first but it slowly made sense.

“...nd, man you just… UGH you do something to me man. And I don’t like it. So I’m gonna make you feel what I feel.” Benrey stared right into his eyes as he was flung backward and rolled into a new area. 

The walls were beige and perfectly bland. Until they weren’t. Gordon doesn’t know when he noticed that the walls were moving closer but by the time he did they were way to close. 

Oh, the walls have spikes on them. ...FUCK THE WALLS HAVE SPIKES ON THEM. When did the walls have spikes on them? Oh, SHIT! FUCK! HE IS FUCKED! Gordon squeezes his eyes shut and tries to make himself smaller somehow to avoid getting stabbed. Unfortunately it doesn’t work. The sensation is one of the worst feelings he can imagine. Slowly getting stabbed and squished to a pulp like being in a shitty human juicer. He doesn’t open his eyes nor does he get the chance as he feels one of the spikes slowly go through his eye. He shouldn’t be alive at this point. He shouldn’t be feeling all this but he does. And it’s choking. There’s no space and he can literally feel his lungs and mouth, filling with blood as the walls press closer and closer together and impale him more and more, he should be dead but he isn’t. Instead he suffers this feeling and can’t even open his mouth enough to scream or cough or do anything that isn’t being compressed by the walls around him. 

Then he feels himself being pulled up and instead of feeling like he’s being ripped apart he feels nothing. And where he appears next is just outside Black Mesa, perfectly fine and unstabbed. There’s nothing but desert for miles. In front of him is a skeleton. Benrey. This time he can speak.

“It hurts man. Why do you hate me so much? Do you like my pain?” The skeleton doesn’t move its mouth at all to speak as it stares Gordon dead in the eyes. Gordon’s about to respond when he is yanked to the right by his middle like a cane in a cartoon pulls him off stage. The next place he’s in is so bright he has to cover his eyes and blick rapidly before his eyes adjust. He looks around and there’s nothing but bright white and a figure far off in the distance. So Gordon begins walking towards them, hoping maybe they have answers. 

But no matter how long he walks the figure doesn’t get any closer. If anything it seems to get farther. Gordon starts to run and continues to make no progress. After a few more minutes of this when he blinks it all changes back to Benrey, Gordon, and the rest of the science team on Xen. 

“Do you get it now Feetman? Do you get how you made me into this? You did this to me Gordon. This. is. your. Fault.” Benrey launches him backward again but this time instead of some hell room with spiked walls it’s a sharp rock that pierces through his back and stomach.

Gordon wakes up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and feeling himself for blood or stab wounds. God he hates dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, in the beginning, Benrey collapses and hits his head on Gordon's coffee table and cant scream as he regrows his left arm and half of his face but not the mouth. I mention that he's growing all the things under the skin as well as the skin. I don't think it's to gorey but just to be safe you know?
> 
> closer to the end in the dream, Gordon gets sent to a bland room which is boring until it isn't as the walls grow spikes and slowly stab him and don't stop as the walls press together. He doesn't die during it and describes feeling everything as it happens.
> 
> thank you for all the support!! I'm glad so many of you are enjoying this fic!!!


	5. And there was only one bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a softer chapter before it all hurts more!! gotta get the comfort part of hurt/comfort you know? i meant for this chapter to be shorter but it didn't end up that way. enjoy!

It’s been a while since Benrey’s collapsing. Not sure how much time specifically but Benrey looked mostly like a person by now and what didn’t was relatively easy to cover up. He had both legs and arms now but was still missing the upper half of his torso and half of his face which included his mouth. But during the time since we last saw them, Gordon and Benrey had grown closer and Benrey gained more of himself back with less pain and they still weren’t friends but they didn’t want to kill each other. Gordon’s nightmares continued but to a lesser degree. They were more of the standard normal trauma-induced nightmares.

But tonight was different. Gordon had just woken up from another nightmare about getting his hand chopped off in an unnecessarily painful way and woke up quietly but with some violent phantom limb pain. He’s grown used to having the pain but the pain itself? He could never get used to it. It was white-hot and searing and felt like a physical culmination of all the rage and pain and the intense emotions he felt during the whole Black Mesa incident. He gripped the sheets on his bed tightly as he bit back all the want to scream.

He could feel his hand moving but he knew it wasn’t there. It’s weird how the human body works isn’t it? He felt like he could do stuff with his hand again but he knew he couldn’t. Maybe that could be applied to other aspects of his life. Ha yeah right. 

His shitty attempts at philosophy did nothing to ease or distract him from the pain. So there he sat up in bed late at night or early in the morning, gripping his sheets with a fist so tight it almost hurt and grinding his teeth into practically nothing. He let go for a second and heard a quiet whimper leave his mouth as his phantom arm tensed and he saw something move out of the corner of his eyes. Gordons first thought was that somehow a headcrab or something got into his apartment and he would end up being defenseless and killed in his home. But then he remembered that Black Mesa was really good about keeping the whole thing quiet. Everybody on the science team was getting hush money checks once a month for frankly ridiculous amounts. But not Benrey since he was presumed dead. 

Gordon nearly screamed bloody murder as he felt something on his shoulder. Instead he managed to hold that back and just ended up flinching and whipping around to look at whatever or whoever it was. It was Benrey. His skeletal features terrified Gordon, even though he’d been seeing them for a while now, the side of his face that could emote looked concerned. Benrey gave Gordon’s shoulder a small squeeze. Gordon gave a short nod to show that he mostly understood what Benrey meant.

But apparently Gordon didn’t understand what Benrey meant at all as Benrey sat next to him in bed and trailed his hand down from his shoulder to near his stump. It was… Surprisingly tender. Like Benrey actually cared about him.

Benrey was careful around his nub. He looked at it sadly. Benrey had only sold him out because… He can’t remember anymore. Maybe Benrey blamed Gordon for something but it felt like so long ago he couldn’t remember. He did always struggle with memory. It was annoying for everyone involved. Benrey made slow movements to grab Gordon’s glasses and gently put them on the other man’s face so he could properly see him. Benrey then made a motion that he hoped Gordon took as watch me and listen to me. Gordon was staring at him so there was one requirement filled. But his jaw was still clenched ever so tightly like it might have to be pried open with a crowbar to ever get it to open again.

Benrey put one hand on Gordon’s which was still clutching the sheets and put the other hand on his own chest and managed to get some calming sweet voice out. It wasn’t as loud or effective as it had been beforehand but it was better than nothing and it seemed to soothe Gordon so it was doing its job.

The ever soft and gentle glow of the dark blue from the sweet voice was calming. As was the note itself. Gordon did feel himself very slowly being relaxed. It took a while before he felt okay enough to unclench his fist and jaw but when he did they still felt so tight. That’s what he gets for keeping them that high strung he guesses. 

Gordon stared at Benrey as he finished singing. Gordon had grabbed Benrey’s helmet after the big fight because… He doesn’t know. It just felt right. But Benrey was glad to have his helmet back when he started growing hair back that Gordon still hadn’t seen. Benrey was also wearing Gordon’s old MIT hoodie and spare sweatpants. It all actually looked pretty big on Benrey which was dare he say it, a little cute. That thought was quickly pushed from his mind.

Benrey stared into Gordon’s eyes in what was left of the sweet voice glow. God he wished he could get his mouth back sooner. He was so close to having a body again. As the light went out Gordon actually gave Benrey a small hug. It was short and light but there was meaning behind it. And unfortunately there wasn’t enough time for Benrey to hug him back. So when Gordon pulled away Benrey gave a little nod and moved to get up. Before he could though Gordon reached out and held his hand. Well not really it was more like a gentle grab to stop him from moving but Benrey could dream. But the movement did stop Benrey from moving as he looked back at Gordon who softly cleared his throat and let his hand go. “You can stay… You shouldn’t have to sleep on the floor.” Gordon checked the alarm clock on his nightstand that read 4 AM in bright red. “We can share the bed. Just for the night though.” 

Benrey would’ve smiled if he had the muscles to do so but instead he just nodded quickly a few times and got into bed with Gordon. And both were statue still with their backs facing each other and Benrey didn’t know if Gordon fell back asleep but he definitely didn’t. To awkward. What was this, a fanfiction?


	6. Oh no did I just say that?

The next day Benrey stared at himself in Gordon’s bathroom mirror, hoodie and helmet off and grinning. 

He could grin again. Benrey accidentally let some bright yellow sweet voice slip out as he stared at himself. He had never been one to look at himself before but seeing you have everything is just a wonderful feeling. Maybe now he wouldn’t have to hide in Gordon’s room when Joshua’s around. If Gordon wanted to keep him around. Benrey slipped the hoodie back on and brushed his hair with Gordon’s brush before he fit it back into his helmet and left the bathroom. Gordon was still asleep when he went in so maybe he still was and he could surprise him.

Benrey slowly walked into Gordon’s room and was about to open the door until a small voice behind him spoke up and made him jump. 

“Excuse me mister! Who are you?” Benrey turned around and saw who he assumed was Joshua. The voice sounded similar enough. Benrey smiled, hoping he didn’t look threatening.

Joshua who was about to wake his dad up to make him breakfast found this very weird other men, wearing his dad’s clothes. He seemed strange. He smiled a bit weirdly. He wouldn’t say that though because his dad told him it was rude. The man finally replied after a bit. “I’m one of your dad’s… Friends. Name’s Benrey. What about you?”

Benrey squatted to be at eye height with Joshua and held his hand out. Joshua took his hand and shook it. “I’m Joshua! Uh Mr. Benrey sir can I ask you why you’re here?” Benrey shook his head and Joshua looked confused. “I can’t give you a good answer but I’m sure your dad can. Come on let’s go see him.” Benrey opened the door for Joshua to go in first who did, and like all children, was not gentle in waking his dad up. 

Benrey watched from the doorway as Joshua jumped up onto Gordon’s bed, ignoring the pile of stuff that had been Benrey’s bed until last night and if Freeman was serious would continue to be his bed. Joshua stood on his knees next to his sleeping father and paused, seeming to plan a method of attack before he puts his hand on his dad’s side and shakes him as violently as a six-year-old can shake a whole twenty seven year old with a dad bod. But hey it fucking worked. 

Gordon woke up after a few seconds of shaking with a small snort and looked over at Joshua with a smile. “Hey there Joshie. I’m awake you can stop now.” Joshua did and immediately hugged his dad who rolled over to hug his son better and hold him close. Joshua started to ramble about something and Gordon sleepily replied when there was space. The two stayed like that for a bit before Gordon was more awake and sat up with a yawn and stretch, multiple bones popping as he lifted his arms above his head. 

Benrey thought the sight was cute. Who wouldn’t? It was a father and son being domestic. That’s fucking adorable. Whatever he doesn’t need to explain himself. Joshua sat up with Gordon and copied him which got a chuckle out of Gordon. Joshua seemed to think for a moment before he pointed at Benrey. “Papa! What’s Mr. Benrey doing here? I’ve never met him before!” Gordon looked at Benrey for a bit as Benrey watched the gear turn in Gordon’s head. 

“Well Joshie he’s staying with us for a bit.” Gordon finally explained. But the answer didn’t satisfy Joshua. “Why?” 

That’s the question Gordon was dreading. It was too early for him to be thinking of something that made sense. While he stalled Benrey hopped in. Lucky Gordon. “Some pipes at my place burst and now they need me out to fix it. Might be here a while.” Joshua took that as a solid answer and nodded. “Oh. Okay! Hey papa can you make pancakes? It’s Sunday!” Gordon put his glasses on and checked his phone and sure enough. 

Gordon yawned as he got out of bed. “Yup. Come on buddy. I’ll make us all some pancakes.”   
Later Gordon and Benrey were sitting on the couch and watching some cartoon neither of them were really paying attention to but were too lazy to turn it off. Joshua went to a playdate which left Benrey and Gordon alone. They sat in silence for a while before Gordon spoke up. “So you’re fully human now? Or just look human now at least?” Benrey shrugged. “I’m not human like you but now I have a human body yeah. And we can talk now. Instead of you just asking me yes and no questions.” 

Gordon nodded and sat up to face Benrey. “I thought you were dead. You were supposed to be. Me, Coomer, Bubby, and Tommy all killed you. How are you back?” Benrey continued to stare at the TV and shrugged. “‘Dunno. Something just kept me from dying and brought me here.” Gordon looked confused as he tried to process the information. “Something brought you to my apartment?” Benrey looked at him and tilted his head. “Huh?” Gordon groaned and lifted his glasses up a bit to rub his face. “Okay so you’re still insufferable.”

“... How’s your arm?” Benrey switched the subject cause there were a few things about his situation that he knew but didnt wanna share. At least not right now. But the question seemed to rile Gordon up. “How’s my fucking arm? That’s all you have to say to me? You’re the reason it’s gone!” Gordon stood up and Benrey sunk into the couch. “I was just asking…” Benrey mumbles which makes Gordon’s blood absolutely boil. 

“You have no right to ask questions until you answer mine! You were a prick to me the whole time we were in Black Mesa then you just show up outside my window the day after we kill you and offer no explanation! And now that you’re better or whatever, offer no explanation! Not even a shitty sorry for what you put me and the others through!” Gordon yells at Benrey who sinks into the couch more and buries himself in Gordon’s hoodie. Benrey wishes it was like last night. Actually. No he doesn’t. Who was Gordon to yell at him? He wouldn’t want the fucking answers anyway!

So he tells Gordon just that. “I won’t say sorry because I’m not! You were a prick right back at me! You’re still a prick! And even if I answered your questions you wouldn’t like the fucking answers! You’d just tell me that I’m lying! You always paint me as the bad guy! Why do you hate me so much? Do you just like my pain?” 

Those last two sentences made Gordon pause. He had heard them before. He couldn’t place where… Gordon’s anger vanished entirely as he thought but came back anew. “You’re always on my fucking case! You always manage to press all my fucking buttons! You just fucking do something to me man and I hate it! I hate that you just keep doing something to me!” 

Neither of the boys considered their words as they yelled at each other. Their fight continued for a while until Berney yelled “I’m trying to get better you ass! You just make it so hard! I fucking care about you! I fucking showed you that last night! I want to be better but just won’t let me! I always have to be the bad guy! I never wanted to be bad!” 

Both stopped after Benrey said that. Benrey covered his mouth like that would take back anything he said. Gordon just stared at him. Time seemed to move slower as they both just stood there as the words lingered in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> benrey and gordon being soft could only last for so long also 2 chapters in 1 day hope yall are having a good time


	7. Let's have a talk.

Benrey cared about Gordon. Benrey wanted to get better. These were facts that Benrey had said in the middle of an argument. Gordon thought about this and the words Coomer said to him a while back. 

“Maybe he’s changed. Or wants to change. Plus if he ended up here I’m not sure if it was of his own will. But be patient with him.” Benrey said something pulled him here. Benrey said he wanted to get better. But that Gordon wouldn’t let him. 

These thoughts spun around Gordon’s head as he laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Benrey was on the couch since now Benrey was human-looking enough that if Josh saw him he wouldn’t freak out. Hell Josh saw Benrey all together before Gordon did. 

Eventually Gordon drifted off to sleep. He didn’t know when just that it was probably late when his brain decided to shut it all down.

Gordon found himself in black mesa once again. Once again with one arm and all alone. No weapons. Not even his crowbar. He was wandering the halls, all alone as easy prey. He thinks he hears something and moves to have his back against the wall. There’s a faint voice coming from all around him and he can’t even make out any words. But he does hear a hissing and when he looks to his right he sees a headcrab. Both Gordon and the headcrab freeze and just sorta stare at each other the way most people do when they find a spider on their wall. Suddenly the headcrab jumps at him and he manages to dodge and start running down the hall the way he came but he doesn’t know where he or anyone else is. 

Gordon is spirting down the hall as fast as his legs will carry him before he hears a thunk and the sound of headcrab hitting something. When he looks back he sees Benrey with a baseball bat and the headcrab that was chasing him, splattered against a wall. Gordon slows down and stands to face Benrey, a little wary and ready to run again if Benrey starts getting weird or violent. 

Instead Benrey looks around, checking for other enemies and when he’s satisfied turns to Gordon with a smug smile and lilt in his voice. “You keep getting lucky, Feetman. Did that without even asking for your passport.” 

Gordon sighed and rolled his eyes as Benrey looked him up and down. “Look Benrey. We should really find the others. Who knows what they’re going through-” Gordon is cut off by Benrey shoving him aside to the floor which hurt and normally he’d be pissed about if he didn’t look up to see what Benrey was doing with was batting away another headcrab. So he was less pissed. “Your luck comes in once again Feetman. Bro wanna share of that with me by giving me a kiss?” Benrey gives a smug grin and instead of his teeth being like normal human teeth they’re sharp. Benrey’s teeth are sharp. Those are not human teeth. But that wasn’t the main issue right now as Benrey squatted in front of Gordon and leaned in, still showing off his sharp teeth. 

“You don’t have to obviously but like why not give your savior a kiss? Just a little smooch?” Benrey wasn’t to close but Gordon could definitely see well under the shadow of Benrey’s helmet to notice that his eyes were glowing. And instead of rightly freaking out and running away Gordon grabbed Benrey’s face and-

-And then he woke up. Right it was all a dream. It usually was. Why did Benrey ask if he wanted to kiss him? Why was he not against it? Why did Gordon almost go for it? Benrey was weird like that yeah to ask him for a kiss but Gordon had never said yes before or ever. But he had to remember that it wasn’t actually Benrey. It was his subconscious in a Benrey mask. 

What did that mean about how he felt about Benrey? Nothing. Nothing at all. Dream Benrey asked for a kiss cause real Benrey’s done that many times and it definitely didn’t make his heart flutter and he definitely didn’t consider saying yes a few times. Not at all. Nope. And Gordon would just ignore that he was about to kiss Benrey in his dream. Easy.

Okay maybe he had thought about it and maybe he wouldn’t stop thinking about how close he got but that doesn’t mean anything. Benrey was a dick and Gordon had better taste than that. Benrey got his arm chopped off and sold him out and-

And Benrey wanted to be better. Okay so new dilemma. On one hand Gordon wants to help Benrey get better. On the other hand Gordon’s doing a lot already by having Benrey in his house. 

And he’s gonna help him anyway. He’d feel awful if he didn’t. God he really hated having morals and a big heart sometimes. 

Gordon looked over at the clock on his nightstand and squinted before he put his glasses on and looked at it. In solid red, the numbers read ten AM. Josh should be awake by now. Gordon groaned as he sat up in bed and threw his legs over the side of the bed and rubbed his lower back before stretching and making a loud dad noise. He didn’t bother brushing or putting his hair up into a ponytail and just let it all hang. It was really long actually. He should brush it. He’d do that later. For now, he got out of bed and went to go get some coffee. 

While in the kitchen he hears Joshua playing with some toys while the TV plays some cartoons quietly. He also hears another voice with Joshua. While the coffee brews Gordon pokes his head out of the kitchen to find Benrey playing with Joshua and keeping him entertained. Gordon couldn’t hear everything they were talking about and heard Joshua’s little excited yells and Benrey gently telling to be quiet in case Gordon was still asleep.

Gordon watches them until his coffee his ready and as he pours himself a cup and adds his usual fixings he slowly walks out into the living room and quietly sits on the couch and neither Joshua or Benrey notice him until Joshua gets excited and yells and before Benrey can tell him to be quiet Gordon speaks up instead. “It’s okay buddy I’m awake. But you shouldn’t get too noisy, the neighbors might not be.” Joshua drops his toys and the plot that he had been diligently crafting with Benrey to hug his dad and give him a proper good morning.

Benrey watched Gordon and Joshua for a minute before he looked away, still embarrassed from he what said yesterday and had planned on ignoring Gordon all day but that couldn’t really happen. So he pretended to be watching the cartoon that was playing to avoid looking at Gordon but when Joshua brought up his name he turned and saw Gordon with Josh on his knee and the sight of Gordon’s ever messy bed head and ridiculously long hair made his heart- do nothing. It did nothing as he stared at Gordon for a bit before he was caught and looked away. 

Later on in the day, Benrey was getting some snacks in the kitchen, just peacefully raiding the cabinets before Gordon startled him by clearing his throat which made Benrey clutch the bag of chips to his chest and slowly look behind him at Gordon. 

Gordon spoke up. “Okay clearly things are awkward and I have a feeling with both hate it. So let’s just try and talk this out like adults.” Benrey finished pouring the chips in the bowl he had before nodding and actually moving to face Gordon. His hair was brushed and put up in a ponytail once again. Which was a bit of a shame since it looked so nice when it was down. 

“Okay so you said you wanted to get better right?” A nod from Benrey. “Alright. Now I’m willing to help you out with that but you have to tell me how you are still alive and how you ended up here. And how the whole skeleton thing worked.” Benrey thought for a minute and ate a few chips. “Before I say anything else I can’t promise you’ll like the answers. Also you have to agree to not just get angry at me for little things.” Gordon thought it over and agreed. 

So the two agreed to try and actually talk things out instead of yelling at each other. The silence that draped over them was a comfortable one which lasted no longer than a minute before Gordon decided to bring up the bombshell of yesterday that he hadn’t really been thinking about.

“Yesterday you said you cared about me. But frankly I find that hard to believe. Did you mean something by that?” Benrey shoved a few chips into his mouth to avoid answering but Gordon just waited. So instead to get out of the situation Benrey just looked confused and gave a little “Huh?” Gordon groaned but didn’t immediately get angry with him.

“What did you mean yesterday when you said you cared about me? I’d like to know.” Gordon was using his dad voice, specifically reserved for when Joshua had something that he shouldn’t have. And it was working on Benrey to. “I meant that I care about you bro. I never wanted to hurt you but you always made me out to be the bad guy so that’s just what I had to become and I didn’t like it and I don’t know how to explain it and you probably think it’s bullshit anyway…” 

Benrey huffed and moved to leave the kitchen but Gordon blocked the exit. “I… I Don’t... believe you. But I think that you do mean it. I- ugh. I mean more like there’s something you’re not telling me.” Benrey was avoiding eye contact with Gordon but he met the other man’s eyes, his own shadowed by his helmet. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Can we save this for later? Please?”

Gordon that Benrey’s eyes didn’t just glow in his dream. It was soft and barely visible even up close which is probably why Gordon had never noticed it before but Benrey’s eyes definitely glowed. “Benrey… Your- your eyes glow.” Gordon was dropping the subject but still not letting Benrey out. Benrey sighed and looked away. “What you didn’t notice earlier? And what are you lookin’ at my eyes for bro? Got a crush on me or something?” Benrey looked smug once again, completely covering up any vulnerability he felt earlier, and Gordon noticed that Benrey also had sharp teeth. That would be another thing to talk about but the fact that Benrey just asked Gordon if he had a crush made him blush and sputter like an old car and in Gordon’s distraction Benrey slipped past him and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wayne hair gordon wayne hair gordon wayne hair gordon wayne hair gordon wa- can you guys tell i love wayne hair gordon? Anyway i keep forgetting to add this on but I have an hlvrai Tumblr!!! its called gordosfeetman I'm mostly reblogging things but like yall can talk to me there!!


	8. Falling is weird isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, coming back to this after last updating this fic in like late may: apologies..........
> 
> genuinely I'm so sorry I've been focusing on my band au fic (which you should read by the way if you haven't its called music is one of the most powerful things in the world) and a side project that's probably never gonna get published but like.......... chapter.............

Another day another dream. They were slowly but surely becoming less and less horrific. But Benrey did start appearing in them more and more, usually doing something to help Gordon. Even in the more realistic dreams where he was just going to the store or something. But it didn’t matter right now. 

Gordon had done art in college mostly as a hobby and way to relieve some stress and it was there during his worst moments. This wasn’t really one of them but it felt right. Gordon was at his desk with a couple of older sketches that he was proud of out. One of his dead wife and the other of Joshua as a baby. They were some of his favorites even if they held sad memories behind them. They were semi-realistic portraits of the two. But the one he was working on now wasn’t like those. It was more just a bunch of doodles of his surprise housemate from memory.

Gordon zones in on his work and the world around his desk almost melts away into nothing. Almost. Because while he’s sketching up a mini portrait Benrey comes in without him noticing and looks over his shoulder before he leans in and speaks. “Damn if I were that guy I’d be flattered to be drawn so hot.” This, of course, startles Gordon as he tries to quickly flip the paper over to hide what he was drawing. Benrey just gives a quieter version of his weird and fucked up and kind of endearing laugh as he smiles and unknowingly shows off his inhumanly sharp teeth. And for some reason, the sight of his teeth and the sound of his laughter made Gordon’s heart pound just a little faster and made his face feel just a bit warmer. Gordon was so distracted by his thoughts he almost didn’t catch what benrey was saying.

“Who’s that man?” He pointed to the drawing of Maria and Gordon paused as he tried to figure out how to phrase who exactly she was. But before he could say anything Benrey started talking. “Is that your cringe dream girl? Did you draw her in a lame moment of being lonely bro? Haha, loser.”

Benrey was just teasing as he looked at the drawing of a woman he had never seen before but Gordon actually looked hurt. That’s not a good sign. He said something bad, didn’t he? Well, at least he didn’t call the kid a bit shit. 

As Benrey and Gordon stared at each other and Gordon tried to find the words to say what he needed, he decided to be blunt. It was probably the only way Benrey would understand.

“... That’s my dead wife. I’m a widower.”

Shit. Oh fuck. Yeah, Benrey fucked up. Benrey fucked up _real_ bad. He didn’t know what to say. So he shut down. And did what he always did. Played dumb. “Huh?”

Gordon sighed and put his glasses on top of his head as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “My wife’s dead man. She’s been dead for five years. We were more like best friends than husband and wife but we were just comfortable together. Josh was only a year old when she died so he doesn’t remember her. It’s a little sad but my sister and her girlfriend make up for it as best they can.” Gordon put his glasses back on properly and quickly shoved his sadness aside. “Anyway, why did you come in here man?”

Benrey tried to remember why he came in in the first place but it was a bit difficult since he already couldn’t remember stuff well and then got the bombshell dropped on him that Gordon wasn’t just divorced and that his wife was in fact dead. In place of him thinking he just made filler noise. You know the classic “Uh… Um… I uh…”

And then he remembered. “I uh came to ask- uh ask if you wanted... Lunch. And what you- you um wanted. ‘m gonna make it. Josh got hungry.” Benrey was looking away from Gordon. He really did feel bad. Gordon was about to say no until his stomach rumbled and he realized he hadn’t eaten all day. All he had done was have coffee and draw Benrey. 

“Actually man that sounds good. I think we have some ham in the fridge so I’ll just take that.” Benrey nodded and quickly left.

The sandwich was good actually. But the dinner Gordon had made was even better. Not to brag or anything but he had gotten pretty good at cooking for a few people and on a budget. But here Gordon was awake in bed once again. Benrey stayed on the couch since he didn’t need to hide anymore. Gordon stared up at his ceiling. He always had issues falling asleep. He also always had issues waking up. He hadn’t had a nightmare for a while but just because he hadn’t doesn’t mean they weren’t lurking in the back of his subconscious.

Gordon stood alone at the beach. He stood at the shore, the water gently lapping at his feet as he stared out into the horizon. The sunset (or was it a sunrise?) was beautiful. Gordon slowly walked forward into the ocean. Soon he was up to his knees in the chilly but pleasant water. The colors of the horizon never shifted. They stood perfectly still, unlike the waves that tried to push him around. 

He walked farther. He was up to his chest now. He wasn’t standing anymore but he wasn’t swimming either. 

Out farther. Gordon was up to his neck. He wasn’t standing or swimming.

Out even farther. Gordon was fully submerged. He wasn’t breathing but he didn’t need to. He was surrounded by the water from head to toe and actually felt free. It was peaceful.

Until it wasn’t.

Gordon felt something wrap around his ankle and begin to drag him down. All the air he hadn’t needed before left him and as he attempted to scream and struggle and the water flooded in. The thing had his leg and wouldn’t let go and he could see the light blue of the surface fade into a near pitch black.

Then the next thing he knew he was in a void and something felt tight around his waist but he couldn’t move to see what it was. Then thing around his waist felt sharp. God please not spikes again. The sharp feeling grew and got tighter and more painful but nothing stabbed him. Gordon thought you weren’t supposed to feel pain in dreams. This continued for a while before he was dropped and fell through the nothing he was surrounded by for… A while. He never seemed to land. And no ground was getting closer but the pitch-black began to get speckled with white dots both near and far.

He continued falling for a while before he slowly got unbearably hot. He wasn’t surrounded by black anymore no.

He was surrounded by a beautiful sky blue.

And just as he was about hit the ground he jolted.  
Gordon woke up in his own bed, breathing a bit heavy. The room was still dark and as he looked over to his clock he noticed a figure next to him in bed. Sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out music is one of the most powerful things in the world if you like rock bands and hlvrai and check out my Tumblr gordosfeetman to tell me to update faster hope you liked this chapter hopefully the next one wont take as long


	9. Lime to rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW GORE: if you need to skip, skip from "Gordon was… Somewhere. He didn’t know where." to "He’s in Black Mesa, on the floor and Benrey’s sitting over him, looking panicked and his hands are covered in blood." what you skip will be vaguely described at the end so you don't miss anything. hope you like this chapter! :-)

There was someone in his bed with him. And he knew it wasn’t Joshua cause the figure was too big to be Joshua. Gordon’s adrenaline kicked in and he sat up, lifting and tensing his right arm like he was getting ready to shoot until his eyes adjusted to the dark he noticed it was Benrey. 

Gordon hadn’t even noticed he was breathing heavily until his throat felt dry. He took deep breaths and held his nub close to his chest and tried to calm down. 

Benrey was sleeping in his bed. He still had the helmet on. There were quite a few questions from this sight but it didn’t matter. Gordon squinted at his clock and was fairly sure that the numbers read 3:22 AM. Fuck. He might as well try and fall back asleep. He’d ask Benrey why he was in his bed in the morning. His brain was too scrambled right now to really worry about it.

It was easier to fall asleep than he would’ve thought. Then again the nightmares took so much out of him he wasn’t that surprised.

Gordon was… Somewhere. He didn’t know where. And he couldn’t name anything around other than the color red. Oh god… Were… Were the walls pulsing? Where was he? Why did it reek like the back of a butcher’s shop in here? Why did things squish? Gordon gagged and quickly moved to cover his mouth as he watched in horror as the place he was in stretched and squished. 

Suddenly he was in a blinding white void and in front of him was something that looked like Benrey. It looked like him but it wasn’t. Something was wrong with it. Its smile was too wide and it stood too straight. It stood in front of Gordon and smiled and its mouth had too many teeth. Too many razor-sharp teeth. It began to take off its helmet and as it did its head split straight down the center and part of its head stuck to the helmet and dripped down like slime. Gordon gagged again and continued to hold his hand to his mouth, his nails that were nearly talons since he hadn’t gotten the chance to cut them sank into his own flesh as the thing in front of him grew and picked Gordon up and held him gently for a minute and examined him before it ripped his own hand out of his face and before Gordon could scream or struggle or do anything it sunk its… Claws? Nails? Talons? It didn’t matter what you wanted to classify them as. They were sharp and it stabbed them into Gordon and held him up to its face before it tore him open with its teeth. And Gordon felt all of it. He felt the teeth sink in and he felt them hit organs and he felt it all get ripped off of him and he felt his flesh be pried away from his own body and he saw the thing holding his skin and intestines in its mouth. The trail of pink from Gordon’s own body to the mouth of the thing. He couldn’t even scream, puke, cry or do anything as his mouth was so full of his own blood the metallic taste and smoothness of it being the last things he might ever register as he watches the thing slurp up his guts like pasta.

He feels himself get dropped by the thing once it’s had its fill of Gordon fettuccine and he feels things in his body snap as he hits the ground and as he stares up and the pure, blinding, white above him and feels his blood leak out from the cavity in his torso and when he gets the chance to blink the scenery changes. 

He’s in Black Mesa, on the floor and Benrey’s sitting over him, looking panicked and his hands are covered in blood. Gordon looks down and his suit is busted at the chest, the metal made to protect him now actively harming him as it points inwards and stabs into him with every breath he takes. He’s weirdly calm as Benrey fusses over him and looks around, probably checking for enemies. Gordon thinks he’s saying something but doesn’t register it. Then he does something out of character. Gordon holds Benrey’s hand with both of his over his wound and stares into Benrey’s eyes with a soft smile before taking one of his bloodied hands and cupping Benrey’s cheek and managing to get him close enough and press his forehead to the others then lean in to kiss Benrey but just before their faces can meet Gordon coughs up blood all over Benrey’s face.

When he wakes up Gordon’s hand and nub go for his stomach and chest and finds that they’re perfectly intact. When he looks over he finds the sun flittering in through the blinds and resting on Benrey’s face in a way that makes him look like he didn’t almost murder Gordon and his friends.

Gordon sighed and put his glasses and arm on and went about his morning routine with Joshua. He didn’t realize how much he missed a routine, however minor until he got home from the incident. It made him feel… Normal. Despite everything that happened and was still happening being very much not normal.

Once Joshua was on the bus the school Gordon decided to take a moment to clean himself up. He grabbed some clothes, in preparation to take a shower. Benrey was still asleep. Gordon sighed and took off his glasses for a moment to wipe his hand down his face.

He set his clothes down on the bathroom counter and as the shower handle squeaked and the water started pouring out of the showerhead, way too cold to even think about getting under it Gordon decided to wait for the water to heat up in front of the mirror.

Gordon stared into his own tired eyes and looked at his eye bags and his streaks of grey. He pulled out his ponytail and brushed out his hair again and sighed as he stared at himself. The mirror began to steam so Gordon assumed that the shower was getting hot enough and as he took off his shirt he noticed something new. 

He had scars.

They weren’t ones from Black Mesa, no. They looked like they were from the wounds he’d gotten in his nightmare.

What the fuck.

His chest had irregular dots which looked like where the metal of the HEV suit had been stabbing him and pretty much the whole front of his torso had a jagged pattern around the edges and some bite marks at the top of his chest and the bottom of his stomach from when that thing took a chunk out of him.

He got close and saw the small dots on his cheeks. Four on one side and one on the other. He matched his hand up to the dots and gently set his nails where the dots where. Where he stabbed his own face.

He just stared at it in the mirror before it was too foggy to see and Gordon remembered that he was supposed to be showering. He can’t really afford a higher water bill. He considers that maybe the scars are just his eyes playing a trick on him. Yeah. Yeah, that had to be it.

One good long shower later and nope the scars were still there okay so this was just a thing that was happening now. Okay cool. Cool. Cool and good. 

WHAT THE FUCK. 

The scars had only faded a bit but they were still fucking there. Gordon still had fucking scars from his nightmare. This meant that what was happening to him was real. Or he was in another dream. Or some totally out of nowhere third option that no one could’ve ever considered.

He honestly had no clue what was happening. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to think about it. He quickly put out the clothes he set aside for himself as his hair sat in its towel. It was just easier for his hair to dry in a towel hat leave him alone. He splashed cold water in his face to try and calm him down and it did help. A bit. This was a situation he couldn’t ignore. 

Benrey.

Did he have something to do with this? How could he? He always appeared in his dreams maybe… Maybe there was a link. And Gordon hadn’t gotten any answers from Benrey the first time they talked. 

Fuck they needed to have a talk.

Gordon groaned as he leaned over the sink and brought the neck of his shirt down a bit to see if the scars were- yup still there. He took his hair out of the towel and squeezed out whatever water was left in it before he got out his hairdryer and got to work.

Soon Gordon had gotten Benrey on the couch, on opposite sides. Benrey was looking away from him as he fiddled with his hands inside the sleeves of Gordon’s old MIT hoodie. “So uhh bro what’s your problem?”

Gordon sighed and dragged his hand down his face as he attempted to gather his thoughts. “We can’t just ignore the fact that you constantly fucked with me in Black Mesa, got my arm cut off, tried to kill me and the others, and other stuff that I’m definitely forgetting.” Benrey looked almost uncomfortable as Gordon began the conversation. “That was… Fucked up. To say the absolute very least. It really sucked. Especially the arm thing. I had almost thought we were becoming friends. Then you fuckin’ lured me into a trap, man.” Gordon held his arm where metal met skin and stared at it. 

Benrey watched Gordon carefully and held his own hands tightly. “Yeah… Yeah, that was uh… Not epic of me. I didn’t think they’d take your arm… Cringe moments really…” Benrey sat with his knees to his chest in Gordon’s hoodie and his arms holding them there and his hands inside the sleeves. It was big and smelled like Gordon and as much as Benrey hated to say it it was somewhat comforting. Gordon looked like he was about to say something, probably yell at him which would be fair, but before Gordon could say anything Benrey accidentally spit out an array of yellow and blue. Benrey quickly covered his mouth to stop it from spilling out and as Gordon stared at curiously he made a mental note of the colors to ask Tommy about later. 

God, he hadn’t been keeping up with his friends much had he? That- that wasn’t the issue at hand here though. “I can’t just forgive you for what you did. You have to earn that. And I don’t know about the rest of the gang but you probably don’t have their trust back immediately either.” Benrey nodded, keeping his hands over his mouth until he started gagging and had to let it all out. 

The colors that came out made no sense to Gordon but made Benrey feel vulnerable. Yellow to blue, lime to rose, and purple to pink. Gordon takes mental note of all the colors and the conversation falls dead there.

The two stare at each other bathed in the light of the sweet voice as it slowly disappears and the melody it leaves slowly fades out. 

They still have things to talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so from "Gordon was… Somewhere. He didn’t know where." to "He’s in Black Mesa, on the floor and Benrey’s sitting over him, looking panicked and his hands are covered in blood." Gordon is having a nightmare and he starts in a room that is implied to be made of flesh then gets moved to a white void and in front of him is benrey but not. "benrey" takes off his helmet, body horror ensues, Gordon gets his stomach eaten, its gross.
> 
> also I'm sorry I don't really reply to comments I just don't know what to say fhadshnjasd but I love reading them and they make my day!!! <3


	10. You are not immune to hot Forzen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen i have brain worms and its my goal to spread them so forzen and magicsodablade propaganda time baybeeee!!!!

The science team and Benrey were currently sitting in Tommy’s living room. Gordon had suggested a restaurant to meet up in but Bubby had managed to get himself banned from most of the good places nearby so it wasn’t even worth it.

Now that Benrey could talk and everybody had mostly settled into a regular life since the incident it was time to really talk about what the fuck had happened. Bubby and Coomer sat next to each other on the love seat, Tommy on the arm of the couch, Gordon also on the couch but actually on the seat, and Benrey on the floor. They were talking casually at first, no point in getting into the heavy shit immediately, they were still friends so they decided to catch up.

But suddenly a very scarred and shirtless man walked into the kitchen, noticed the group, politely said hello and quickly went back to wherever he came from. All conversation seemed to pause as another man, Darnold, Gordon quickly recognizes pokes his head out from what’s probably the bedroom to say hello as well. 

Wait a minute the man the from earlier sounded familiar… 

_...Holy shit was that Forzen?_

Gordon looked to Tommy who just smiled and gave a little giggle as he waved to Darnold. “Oh did I not mention that me, Darnold, and Forzen are all together? The story behind it is actually kind of funny but that’s what not what we’re here for.” Tommy seemed to respond to exactly what he was thinking but Gordon brushed it off as he nodded and cleared his throat. “So uhh Benrey. You had something you wanted to say?”

Benrey was staring off into space before he heard his name mentioned and slowly came back to reality with a little “Huh?” Gordon rolled his eyes as Coomer repeated what Gordon said and Benrey fiddled with his hands, not expecting to actually say anything so soon. 

He did _want_ to say sorry but he didnt know, _how_. How could he properly apologize to Gordon for cutting his arm off and nearly leaving his kid without a mom _or_ a dad? How could he apologize to Coomer for nearly killing him in the final battle? How could he apologize to Tommy for ditching him and also trying to kill him? How could he apologize to Bubby for tricking him and getting him in over his head? How could he do that without making it sound like a joke? How was he supposed to put the words in the way he wanted to get what he meant? He wasn’t sure sorry cut it. 

Sweet voice.

While he wasn’t paying attention he had been spitting out a rainbow of emotions and vulnerability. And everyone just stared.

Orange to grey. 

Olive to ice. 

Purple to cherry.

Black to white.

_Lime to rose._

Tommy stared at it and looked sad and was the first to speak up. “Benrey would you… Would you mind if I translated this?” Benrey shook his head. It was probably the closest to apologizing he’d get.

Tommy cleared his throat as he began. “Orange to grey means I don’t what to say. Olive to ice means I wish I could be nice. Purple to Cherry means I don’t know how to say sorry. Black to white means I don’t know how to make things right. Lime to rose means I feel so exposed.” Tommy paused as the room suddenly got heavy with all the meaning of Benrey’s song. 

Tommy got up off the couch and hugged Benrey who was clearly shocked and slowly hugged him back as Tommy whispered something.

Benrey hugged Tommy tightly as he reassured him. Tommy forgave him… Tommy still wanted to be his friend… It took everything in him not to cry into Tommy’s shoulder. He couldn’t say anything as the two held each other.

Coomer watched the two sadly, holding his husband’s hand. Bubby squeezed his hand back as they glanced at each other and he watched Bubby’s eyes drift over to Gordon’s prosthetic. Coomer squeezes Bubby’s hand with a small smile. 

They all sat quietly.

Gordon’s mind was so _loud_. 

Lime to rose… Benrey had sung that yesterday. He felt exposed. What about the other colors? Yellow to blue and purple to pink. What did they mean? How did Benrey feel? Why couldn’t he just say it? Would it be wrong to try and force him to talk about it? The guy did try to kill him after all… And he still didn’t know shit about the scars but apparently they weren’t super visible since nobody had asked about the ones that should be on his face. Gordon’s life seemed to just be a tragedy split into several long acts and loose threads hanging left and right.

A bit later Tommy was in the kitchen getting drinks. Gordon could ask him about the sweet voice. Tommy would know what they meant. Gordon excused himself from the conversation and met Tommy in the kitchen.

“Hey, man could I uh ask you about sweet voice?” Gordon watched as Tommy poured the drinks into specific cups for each of the members of the science team. And also Benrey. “Of course Mr. Freeman! What did you want to know?” Tommy smiled at Gordon as he finished up with the drinks. “Well yesterday I was talking to Benrey and he uh spit? Is that the right term for it? Ah anyway- the uh colors were yellow to blue and purple to pink. Do you know what those mean?” Tommy slowly nodded as he thought about it and the smile on his face morphed into a somewhat sad look. “Yellow to blue means I’m sorry I hurt you and purple to pink means things aren’t what you think… I hope that helps Mr. Freeman.” He gives a polite smile before taking all the cups and drinks out to the living room.

Except for Gordon’s.

He doesn’t know why but his cup being left behind really feels like some shitty symbolism you’d find in a book trying too hard to be something.

While he had this moment alone he picked up his cup of soda and just held it and stared into it. Yellow to blue… I’m sorry I hurt you… Was he? Was he really sorry? Or was he sorry that he was being confronted? Or was he sorry after what he had learned? Was Benrey sorry he hurt Gordon or just sorry he couldn’t finish the job? And what the fuck was up with Purple to pink? Things aren’t what Gordon thinks? Nothing had been fucking normal since the resonance cascade.

As he stared into his drink he could’ve sworn that the scars were gone but that wouldn’t make sense. Scars don’t just disappear like that. Also, he was looking at his reflection in a glass of soda so maybe he just couldn’t see them properly. 

Was that what Benrey meant? He’d have to ask him. Hopefully, he’d get an actual answer and not just sweet voice. 

He eventually went back into the living room and said that he just got caught up in his thoughts when Coomer asked him what took so long. It wasn’t wrong.

All their cups sitting on the coffee table seemed to fit just right. Like the symbolism from earlier. Huh. Weird.


	11. Coomer nice old man moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI IM SORRY IVE BEEN GONE I PROMISE IVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FIC AND OTHERS IVE JUST GOT BRAIN ROT AND IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO FINISH

Gordon had woken up from yet another nightmare with more scars from said nightmare. God this was just another fucked up thing in his life huh? He had actually grown used to them. After all, it’s been about a month since they started showing up. They would be very clear in the morning and would be gone before he went to bed. Which wasn’t really how scars worked but whatever his life was weird enough as is. Gordon got up out of bed and went to the bathroom, it was becoming routine at this point. He looked in the mirror and saw the damage. The nightmare was rough but quickly fading away from his memory as he stared at his reflection.

Shit. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, hoping the scars would fade but they never did. At least not right after he woke up. He sighed. Large scars that looked like a wild animal attacked him covered his face and littered his upper body. Guess he was wearing a sweater and staying inside today.

Gordon got Joshua to school without much hassle about why he looked the way he did but told him that dad would be fine and sent him off for the bus. 

Benrey meanwhile had been working on his apologies. He stayed in the living room and texted Tommy ideas on how to personally apologize to everybody else. Tommy was nice enough to help out, soothe his fears, and explain things to him about humans. They made a plan on the order in which to apologize as well. Since Tommy had forgiven him already they decided maybe it would be best to try and apologize to Coomer next as he was also likely to forgive. But it had to be done properly. 

Tommy told him to be honest about how bad he felt and to make a proper apology and to meet Coomer somewhere and that the older man was understanding and would probably forgive him. 

But all of that was terrifying.

It was much easier to just send a text with all the right words than to see them face to face and struggle through and have such a large chance of messing it up? Terrifying. But it needed to be done. 

Coomer was nice enough to forgive him right? Even though Benrey kind of ruined his relationship with Bubby by lying to Bubby and making him help in his coup against Gordon. How was he supposed to know that human’s limbs don’t grow back? He only recently learned that dreams dont affect reality which was news to him, believe that. So many things humans did just didn’t make sense. Like they apparently only had one life and no fail-safe system? How inconvenient is that? The more Benrey learned about humans the more sense Gordon made. 

In the time since the first apology, Benrey managed to explain to Gordon how he worked a little. Like the skeleton thing. It was a life reserve of power and energy. Something he could fall back on should he “die” or get seriously injured. And different degrees of injury or death meant longer or shorter times to wait it out until he was good. But after the final battle, he had to essentially rebuild himself. 

He has another skeleton out there but he probably won’t need it and just built around his first reserve. It took a while but of course, it would it’s difficult to make everything under the skin. Especially when you’re trying to fit not human anatomy in a human body. Benrey’s organs are very squished inside his torso and limbs, which he is told that humans dont have organs in their arms but he’s low on space and making it work.

Of course, Gordon needed a minute after that even though Benrey was never quiet about being not human and he didn’t understand but whatever. Gordon was weird like that sometimes. Benrey did try and make everything work by being a good roommate when he could and luckily the hush money checks were still coming through and Gordon always looked happy when he was spending time with Joshua and when Benrey showed that he could take care of Joshua…

What was he supposed to be doing again?

… Right! Apologizing to Coomer! Or at least planning it out.

The next day Benrey asked Coomer to meet him at the local Waffle House since Tommy said it would be less crowded and Coomer wasn’t a huge concern for property damage as that was a concern Gordon had had for Bubby and Benrey mainly. Luckily he could just teleport so he had more time to spend on making sure he looked nice since that was apparently important.

All that meant was he took a shower, cleaned his helmet, and wore plain clothes and not something, to quote Gordon, “God awful.” While doing all this he practiced a proper apology, mumbling to himself as he washed his hair, fixing things in the apology as he wiped down his helmet, and more mumbling as he picked out a plain shirt. 

Soon he was standing outside the waffle house, fidgeting with his hands he took a deep breath and stepped in. Coomer quickly noticed him and called him over to his table. Benrey went over and sat across from him. He could feel his two hearts pumping faster and in tandem. He pushed down the fear as he looked up from the table at Coomer, who smiled kindly as always. “Hey, Coomer.” “Hello, Benrey! You seem nervous.”

Benrey nodded. “Tommy’s helping me give proper apologies to everyone so that’s what I’m here to do… I was not epic, to say the least back in Black Mesa. You don’t have to feel bad for especially since I could’ve ruined things with you and Bubby and you don’t have to forgive me but it’s worth a shot to at least ask. I really wanna be better and figured the best place to start was by apologizing.” A silence hung over the two of them as Benrey wrung his hands under the table, staring down at it instead of up at Coomer who took a second to process this. Eventually, the older man spoke. “That is all very nice of you to say Benrey. And I do forgive you. But I am not one of the people you’ve wronged. Your betrayal, in the end, there did hurt yes but it in no way compares to what happened to Gordon or Bubby. If you wish I can be there when you apologize to Bubby and even help you with is as well since I know he can be a bit of a hardass at times. I want to help you get better Benrey. I forgive you.” 

Benrey nodded and looked up at Coomer. “Thank you, Coomer. I think that’d be good. Thank you for forgiving me…”

And so planning for the next apology began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i hope coomer and benrey werent out of character but benrey inhuman moments and hopefully the next chapter will come out sooner but no promises


End file.
